clock

when someone tells you that they can just sit there and listen to instrumentals analyzing them for the pure sake of enjoyment... that is beautiful. six to midnight instant. :)

that moment when you squeeze lime above a cup of apple juice vodka amidst the strobe lights watching it drip drop one by one as the seconds of your 20s fly by...and you realize that this is not the life for you.

what's bothering me? i'm trying to put this into words... some movies, and it seems that many of the movies that I end up watching have a sort of way of making me feel lonely. it's as if outside of the world i become so involved in for that cinematic period i am on my own and it is a cruel and empty space that I am about to re-enter. i don't know what it is that makes me feel so lonely, maybe it's the underlying themes presented in the films, or maybe it's the fact that i see the people in my lives' habits, personalities etc and can see into the future and foresee their outcomes. i was thinking about how on the way to LA I am meeting with kaezel to stop by SB for half a day and then head to LA but if there was no kaezel nor rocky in LA to meet with then i would be alone, and there'd be nothing there for me nor a reason to pass my time in those spaces. these places in our lives are but hollowed out localities in the absence of life. in the absence of eye contact or feelings, ones' consciousness of their humanity, these places are nothing but dust, and "to dust we shall return". I'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid that I am making a mistake by committing to this month long program and that I will not stay consistent with mcat, and that I won't be able to maintain exercise and lose the battle of tenacity. but I won't allow myself to lose, I've come to far. I know more than I think and I must remind myself to continue being persistent. but at the end of the day what is this all for? to make my family proud? what if they themselves no longer existed, then who would I fight for? as human beings, we long for companionship but does it all even matter. does our happiness on earth serve a purpose if the real purpose of our lives is to live as holy as possible and live to glorify our creator? I think it does. I'm waiting for clothes to dry so I can pack. I have about 10 hours of traveling ahead of me today. I will blink two times and suddenly be in santa barbara, blink again and be at orientation in a crappily wrinkly dress shirt. I'm tired. The last mcat I took I got a 20 ( 8p 6v 6v) and I need to step my game up hard. I need balance, I need love, I need work. I need peace... please Lord help me to find peace. thank you for accepting these words.

“Freedom- the fatuous jingle of our civilization, but only those deprived of it have the barest inkling of what it actually is...” <-I can connect with that so much. from cloud atlas.

It was just such a long day, in the morning I was hanging out with my younger brother and running errands in stockton, then coming back to berkeley and having a regular day. My crew was having a practice at 8. the thing about our culture is that people from all colors, creeds, etc are a part of it, all unified under a love for movement. so there was this guy named xxxx who asked me to join his crew who attended the practice, he asked me to go out to sf to hang out with him. I knew that normally when xxxx parties, this guy goes really hard and is seriously out all night going crazy, even if he has like to be up at 5 am (which he did today because he had a job interview at embassy suites -_- ). This dude is genuinely a good person but he's definitely had a tough life. To give you an idea of him he grew up with a tough background. At the same time during the day he is an innovative, powerful, and beautiful dancer and one of the cats who first inspired me to work to realize my potential. He respects the fact that I don't mess with that stuff and doesn't get me in the mix with all of that. Sometimes I get bummed out because I know that xxxx could be so much better if he didn't do certain things like that, but I understand that I suppose we have to survive somehow and that people have to live their own lives and make their own decisions..after all we're adults now. And I worry about him. So anyway me him and my crew practiced for a while then him and I left to SF to met up his friend who's like a flight attendant (he had a layover) he met in hawaii at a club. I dropped him at the club where they were supposed to meet and left to a different part of SF because earlier him and I had a misunderstanding that we were going to originally go first to meet this other guy in our crew to catch up for a bit, but since his friend was coming from the airport for such a limited time, he wanted to take care of him, so i just left alone. I understood the circumstances but I was kind of bummed for sure. So I went to go visit my crew member, he just moved here from hawaii to be with his girlfriend and they're getting married soon. We caught up and got some ice cream at safeway which was chill. Sometimes I feel like the older I get the more that I appreciate doing mellow things. I love that. After we kicked it a bit I made my way back to meet up with him and swoop him and his friend. they wanted to make it to some bars in the castro before 2 am. As we were driving there he asked me for my license plate # and I was like "why????" but I was like it's in the glove compartment. So he makes a call and he's like talking to this dude and he's like, "yeah so we might be missing a couple yellow lights today so if you can just make sure that this license number doesn't come up i got you later, I'll get it to you for the normal rate no worries" so basically he'd just called some guy who's in charge of monitoring the license #s that come up if you run a red light and I guess he had the ability to delete people's #s who come up in the system? So after he'd explained to me that that was what he just did, he told me this story about how he had connections with this CHP officer and one time how he got pulled over for like speeding on the bay bridge like 100+ while wasted and how his friend who was CHP came and busted him out of that situation where otherwise he would've gotten his license suspended, gone to jail, and gotten his car towed. Anyway after that we found parking next to the gay club they wanted to attend. xxxx asked me for my keys and I was like "???" "for what???" but as I gave it to him, and I saw him pulling out a little plastic bag with powder in it, I realized what it was for and just watched him and his friend do lines of cocaine off the tip of my honda key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxx_XXXXX. after that we entered the gay club we were just chilling when suddenly this dude named michael who says he's in law enforcement comes up to me. he's completely wasted and practically spitting in my ear talking about searching for a soul mate and other things to put it lightly. Im just like trying to be nice and whatever but thankfully when he figured out I was not gay he backed off and went to go frolic elsewhere. after that they wanted to go to xxxx 's friend's house and basically for two hours they told stories of romance from their perspective about like open relationships, all these different types of dynamics between them and other men, and just a bunch of stuff. In hindsight the perspective was good to gain (like in the future when working with queer males around reproductive health) but it was a bit overwhelming because for the most part that was all that was discussed for the entirety of the two hours. then after that we had to go to oakland to drop off xxxx 's friend at his hotel then i had to drive back to walnut creek to drop off xxxx then finally I got back home, feeling kind of tired and a bit bummed out. Nonetheless it's ok because I seldom ever do nights like this in any way shape or form and xxxx 's contributed to my life in certain aspects and that's worth more than a 1/4 tank of gas or couple extra hours of sleep. Like I said, it's just always surreal to me how our dance culture is, like there are people you'd never meet or get involved with if you were not connected by dance, and mine andxxxx 's relationship exemplifies that well.

i can't process everything that happened tonight. ... Im goin to sleep. (plygmy, lcid, zay, bevmo, etc)

today's just one of those fcuken days... im trying to balance studying for this dumb bio final, mcat, and planning for the future, all the while getting distracted every couple minutes jumping on the floor trying moves or fcuken w/ "cko" or whatever. thank goodness for "selfcontrolapp". im goin to starbucks. AHHHH HELP ME

im losing track of when i eat... fcuk standing waves. (at aucoquelet. 12:51 am) (dropped by chaidys hs grad bbq today)

i start this entry with that feeling inside when something in your deep sternum area feels as if it's ready to sink to the depths of a dark place inside of you. a feeling i haven't felt for a while now. this wknd was beast to the east and nmls collective's first performance together. odette and her husband steve also visited and i went with ma to visit em' at the presidio. i'd only been there at night o drop off vicki so that was dope. anyway, I learned/was reminded of a few things this weekend. 1) credits to esauce: that life shouldn't be about suppressing the things that complete us. 2) that oftentimes i cannot be the ideal person for someone, but that that's ok and that I am who I am, even if I will never fit that 'ideal mold'. Regardless of these statements I still have that sinking feeling inside. Having a shared faith is something that many value and something I respect and connect with. I understand yet the feeling within my sternum continues to remain there, sinking for an undefined period of time. Although I feel that in many ways I was mature for my age, I feel like a dumb 16 year old who's stressed about some ish that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I say this yet the feeling continues to remain with me. Regret is a distant relative of mine who usually never visits my temple, however she seems to take space in my apartment from time to time these days...

note to self: read that cynical article phi sent you by that cat who got his md.

this is one of those times in my life where i need to keep it together the most. where im on the edge of destruction but somehow i have to keep it together. im flat broke, not thru the content for the mcat yet with 44 days to go til' my date, not sure about if i'm getting the internship in thailand or not, still not feeling good in the hip or knee at all, need a job soon because I'm so poor, and just scrapin' by on the daily... tough times, but i need to keep it together... and wtf. nmls has a show this friday. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE PERFORMING WTH. I SHOULD BE STUDYING 24/7 AHHHH

one of those days

that you realize how important knowing your family's hystory, and cultural history is to you. how you wish ไม่ต้องใช่เวลานานๆ to study things you don't particularly care about, as opposed to allocating all that time and effort into mejorando tus problems con conjugacion o a aprender sobre las cosas que son importante a ti. hoy estaba caminando con fatema y farhat a sus clase. estaban hablando de sus tiempo tomando un clase sobre la historia de la cultura afghan. mientras ese tiempo, estaba pensando que en actualidad, no conozco mis culturas ni me conozco en muchos maneras. Senti mal, y siento mal ahora porque todavia no tengo los abilidades a explanar los pensamientos complicados que tuve en este idioma... I think I just need a break.

ที่ยูซีเบอร์คลีย์พวกเรามีวีถีใจพิเศษไม่เหมือนใรคแบบไทยๆอเมริกันสามปีที่เราเรียนเราอ่านเขียนร่วมเล่นรำเราร้องเพลงเราจำทั้งแต่งทำบทละครสงกรานต์ลอยกระทงวัดมงคลฯเที่ยวเปียกปอนภาพยนตร์และแต่งกลอนอาจารย์สอนกตัญญูการ์ตูนเราก็เก่งเมนูเจ๋งโฆษณาประวัติศาสตร์อยุธยาหม่อมเต่านาและเหลืองแดงถึงแล้ววันสุดท้ายศิษย์ทั้งหลายจะขึ้นฝั่งครูส่งใจพลังคิดถึงทั้งอวยชัยพร | วันธรรมดา น.ส. นิษฐานำแถวไปแซวจิ๊กโก๋นักโชว์ระนาดวี๊ดว๊าดพิสชาเฮฮาที่หูซ้ายของนายวิกรานสงสารสาวจีนาดาราฝรั่งนั่งข้างบัณฑิตาคะขาน่าชมสมนำ้หน้าหมอเดวิดหงุดหงิดตาหวานหายไปนานปีเตอร์ท่านเห่อบอลรูมเอ้า!ภูมิใจคุณบอยเฮ้ย!ถอยสเก๊ตต้องไปgetเลนนอกซ์แล้วก็บอกฟรานซิสให้คิดกลับมาหน่อยเอาละเพื่อนน้อยๆคอยคิดถึงความหลังสุกสนานดังลั่นรักกันไว้ตลอดไป...นะเอย

shared via นำ้หวาน You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen. -Aaron Freeman. it's a nice way to take those concepts and apply them to ourselves because we're so intimately involved with the world around us but so many of those phenomena that're occurring happen right under our noses without ever being acknowledged/appreciated just like our heartbeat. just like all the things that allow nature to coexist all of the mechanisms, systems in place. years of changes working together to coexist. it's funny how humanity works so differently. i was just listening to npr this morning about iran and the sanctions (basically a ban on something like trade as a coercive measure to promote a group to do something) that the UN and US have been putting on iran to try to discourage refinement of uranium bc they suspect iran may be trying to gain nuclear weapons technology. iran themselves have stated that they want to be a major power in the middle east, and they also have hystorical beef with israel and there's just all this conflict going on. not just in iran but just between so many countries and dictatorships. there's just this lust for power. in nature it's kind of the same thing between organisms...like predation but yet there exists a certain food chain..but it's driven by instinct and the features that these organisms have been given limit them to that level of the food chain. humanity's different though. we have free will and this certain level of intelligence and ability to create synthetic things that're outside our own natural features and abilities... maybe it's that which poses the largest danger. with that free will, intellect, potential, and power we become the greatest danger to ourselves...

dream fox theater show, was with drake. nmls collective supposed to perform. i didnt have anything prepared but luckily found my book of rhymes. we performed and i kept messing up, binly was there and we did a bit of bboying in the beginning but i was injured so ppl were worried. everytime i had to spit something would go wrong, either i'd be unable to read the lyrics on the paper or the lyrics written on the back of the candy wrapper would fly away. I frerstyled very low energy and there was a point where i said "dues gotta fcukin chill" which caused a huge uproar with the dudes in the audience. i remember after the show seeing some dude in a navy uniform with his girl on his arm looking pissed and like theyd wasted their time and money going there. lol. michael lucero in the dream outside with some kind of injury and crutches and was like consoling me on the terrible performance. lol

i havent been thankful for being kept up til 4.55 am and not getting much mcat studying done... in a long time.. perhaps never. never this thankful in this context... :) janaza. one love.

washed self for firs time since wednesday (today is sunday) (i wasnt allowed to shower for 4 days). my feet smelled like string cheese. i tried studying for a while. got like an hours worth in, not much progress though. learning this foundation's tough. watched all of calamities' battles at the 3 on 3 illest jam where they took it and now have tix to go to japan for the illest event out there. mad inspiring. I just wanna dance. . . i feel my body atrophying. just studied ochem and was on the stereochem part, made small progress, then flipped to the end of the chapter and realized i still had 45 pages to cover so i decided to postpone and just work on it tomorrow.. and work out instead. I scrambled to gather what weights we had at the house. managed to find father's old grey 15 pounder and ma's 7 pounder, i did some curls, and butterflies with em' alternating sides as i went along. used the walker for weaksauce dips. something's better than nothing. i miss this feeling where my muscles are all hard and feeling fatigued. gotta work on that shoulder flexibility using the turnicate bands too.

if i didnt have health insurance, i wouldve owed $22,000 after my last surgery... holy..

misery.

nausea, reflecting on all mistakes made, feeling helpless and unable to take care of self, slight depression, I must be patient and give things time while putting in as much work as possible with consistency...

I feel like grade A sirloin shit-ake mushrooms. I can barely lift up my right leg at all and now im forced to use my weak acl reconstructed leg as my strong leg. i just vomitted up all the blueberries/cranberry juice i ate earlier. it came out so fast that i didnt have time to aim for the trash bag, and now there's a nice oasis of vomit sorbet on the floor. im falling more and more behind in school and mcat because my head hurts too much to study and when Im conscious all i can do is try to research prognosises on the procedure I got. i havent worked out in 5 days and i feel my body getting weaker, i need to do something fast. they made me sign a 'voluntary' resignation until I recover from these surgeries. my bank loans need to get paid...this is terrible. ok im done being negative. I can't lose this battle.. I'm gonna murk this stupid MCAT in july no matter what it takes. i can't lose this physical battle, i must keep my body strong, i must keep my mind sane, even when the world feels like it's going to implode on itself.

This is just one of those bad days. I'm super stuffed up with a cold, my knee's buggin me, my right lower back is hurting like nuts (and im still not sure if it labral tear-related but i can only hope it is..) and my face feels drier than a saharan desert. I tried taking a diagnostic mcat exam earlier, got 8 problems deep, then my head started hurting and I struggled to fall asleep for three hours. I feel terrible. I left my cell in the car. I ran out of underpants and socks. With the exception of milk three days ago, i haven't bought groceries since the surgery. I feel disconnected from the world (i know im actually not but yeah). I'm worried that I'm going to end up overloaded again and do badly on the MCAT. I cancelled my May 11th exam date. My classes start tomorrow. weekend classes, so goodbye social life/life in general. I don't even know when i'll be able to go visit family. I missed Ash Wednesday mass. sometimes we put so much effort into something that we convince ourselves that it is more than it really is and we pour endless amounts of time energy and compassion into it, only to find that those sentiments were not exactly reciprocated. It's understandable though considering the circumstances and context of background and experiences. I'm broke and waiting to get my paycheck and it's my fault because of getting inspired last Friday. How am I gonna potentially handle being a psychiatrist when I can't even get my basic ish together. I need a set schedule to follow through with, but it's hard when there're so many possible variables still up in the area regarding my labral tear surgery and easter seals bay area. It's just not a good day for me. I'm just rambling. c'est la vie.