what's bothering me? i'm trying to put this into words... some movies, and it seems that many of the movies that I end up watching have a sort of way of making me feel lonely. it's as if outside of the world i become so involved in for that cinematic period i am on my own and it is a cruel and empty space that I am about to re-enter. i don't know what it is that makes me feel so lonely, maybe it's the underlying themes presented in the films, or maybe it's the fact that i see the people in my lives' habits, personalities etc and can see into the future and foresee their outcomes. i was thinking about how on the way to LA I am meeting with kaezel to stop by SB for half a day and then head to LA but if there was no kaezel nor rocky in LA to meet with then i would be alone, and there'd be nothing there for me nor a reason to pass my time in those spaces. these places in our lives are but hollowed out localities in the absence of life. in the absence of eye contact or feelings, ones' consciousness of their humanity, these places are nothing but dust, and "to dust we shall return". I'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid that I am making a mistake by committing to this month long program and that I will not stay consistent with mcat, and that I won't be able to maintain exercise and lose the battle of tenacity. but I won't allow myself to lose, I've come to far. I know more than I think and I must remind myself to continue being persistent. but at the end of the day what is this all for? to make my family proud? what if they themselves no longer existed, then who would I fight for? as human beings, we long for companionship but does it all even matter. does our happiness on earth serve a purpose if the real purpose of our lives is to live as holy as possible and live to glorify our creator? I think it does. I'm waiting for clothes to dry so I can pack. I have about 10 hours of traveling ahead of me today. I will blink two times and suddenly be in santa barbara, blink again and be at orientation in a crappily wrinkly dress shirt. I'm tired. The last mcat I took I got a 20 ( 8p 6v 6v) and I need to step my game up hard. I need balance, I need love, I need work. I need peace... please Lord help me to find peace. thank you for accepting these words.