just when Im feeling like the world is getting to be a better place I get reminded how there's still so far to go on the road to self-improvement. last friday was tonys birthday and hoang hit me up to let me know he wanted to hit up temple. id thought that id written him back with more info but either I really didnt send him a text or itd just not gone through. either way id heard that he got really urked by that and was not trying to go anymore as well as have anything to do with me. danny's been the same way lately with thear and I, even when I try to hit him up via text he never answers. I think I need to call this dude. he deactivated his fb as well. it feels like Im losing the friends who mean the most to me sometimes. it always feels that way with danny. at the same time thear does bring up a good point that if youre really someone's true boy then they should try to understand where youre coming from and love you regardless of your imperfections. I know for a fact that there're many instances where something slipped my mind or I lagged responding but for every 1 of those times I did something positive for someone I cared about 10 times (or at least gave it my best effort). I'm trying to be accountable as a friend and really show the boys how invested I am in our friendship and yet it always feels like Im losing em. sucks. I suppose it's all just a test.

how do you find yourself. only to be lost again . . . .

Im scared dat this blog wont exist when it comes time to start studying for the MCAT, so I'm just gonna copy and paste the entire blog entry LOL ROFLCOPTER TEE HEE TEE TEE MCAT Tips and Tricks... or, How I Studied for the MCAT As I mentioned in this article, I earned a very high score on the MCAT (R). I took a very active role in managing my own MCAT prep, and I think some of the strategies I employed could be very helpful for others. The MCAT is one of the most feared and dreaded parts of the entire medical school application process, so, I thought I would write a guide about how I prepared so others could benefit from it. I definitely recommend you take a prep course. For most people the techniques and strategies they teach you are helpful. Also, the review of the basic sciences in the courses is critical. Many students haven't looked back at gen chem or bio 101 in three or even four years... some even longer. It is important to have a knowledgeable person review those subjects with you. These reviews are also helpful, because they tell you what is NOT going to be tested on the MCAT. Guess what? 75% of the crap you drilled into your skull during organic chemistry won't be tested on the MCAT. In my opinion, though, the biggest thing you can do to score higher on the MCAT is figure out how they want you to think. Doing well on the MCAT definitely requires being competent in the basic sciences, but the fact is that you can be an excellent science student but a poor MCAT style thinker and not do well on the test. The MCAT is a standardized test, and it requires you to think and apply concepts in a certain way that is standardized. If you can figure out how they want you to think, you can beat the test. The best way to start thinking MCAT style is to take practice tests, particularly a few early on in the prep. Here is the catch, though, in the month or months of studying, you need to maximize whatever amount of time you can pull from your schedule to devote to the MCAT. You don't want to spend all your time taking tests in the beginning, especially when your knowledge may be deficient in some areas. It's very important to make taking 1-3 practice tests one of the first things you do, but it doesn't matter how you score on them. You are taking these tests for the experience of taking them, to learn how to take them. For that reason, I suggest you just blow through these tests as fast as you can. I'm not saying you should make no effort. Try to get the questions right, but work quickly. I took my first two practice tests within the first week of prep, and I skipped the writing section both times. I also worked through each section as quickly as possible. The first reason for this is that I wanted to maximize my prep time and knew that accuracy didn't matter that much. I could have scored a 15, and I would have been fine with it as long as I started picking up on how the test is built. The second reason is that it's actually very helpful to figure out how quickly you can perform under a time pressure and get used to doing so. You never know when you'll get a section that tests your weak points and time will start to creep up on you. Your score will suck on these first few tests (unless you're just that awesome). Don't panic. That's fine. It literally doesn't even matter. All that matters is that you learn from taking it. After those early tests, you should also have a great idea what areas you are weak in. Review them. Duh. Make them strengths. This is another area a course comes in helpful; not only are there classes devoted to reviewing the science you need to know, but they'll often have tons of questions online or in books to help you review areas you are weak in. Once you have started to learn how to think for the MCAT and reviewed the subjects you are weak in, go ahead, take a test. Take this one under real conditions. Your score should start to be less depressing. In fact, you might be shocked by how good it is. The fact is, if you have done the first two steps well - learning to think MCAT style and reviewing weak areas - then you may have already gained 75% or more of the points you're going to gain. Please be aware, this is not the case for everyone, but it was definitely the case for me and a few others that I suggested this plan to. When I hit this phase, I hit a top 1% score. DO NOT burn out!!! From there comes the real grind. This is the long tedious part. This is where you are shoring up your knowledge in all areas. This is where you just beat the sciences into your head until you know them as well as you possibly can. This is the part where you start to lose your damn mind. It is very important not to overdo it and burn out here. As I said, you have already gained a lot of the points available to you. At this point, you should take a test every week or two, depending on how much time you have, so you can further refine your understanding of "how to think MCAT style" and learn to apply the science you are drilling into your skull. I still advise skipping the writing section (I'll get to that later). This phase is important, because it will get you most or all of the points you "should have gotten," those questions that, when you review a test, you got wrong but know you shouldn't have. It'll also net you a few new points as you learn the finer nuances of the basic sciences. I think, most importantly, it'll make you prepared across the breadth of material. This is important, because it is a simple fact that from test to test, different topics are tested. Different topics are tested from different angles with different levels of difficulty, and you need to be prepared to cope with that. When the time comes, you will be ready. You want to make sure you peak at the right time. Don't burn out beforehand. You should be very good at thinking MCAT style by the end of your prep, and you should have a world of basic science knowledge at your disposal. Taking practice tests are the best tool at the end, because they allow you to combine those two skills. If you can do both of those WELL, you should get the score you want. Section by Section For the Verbal Section, practice really makes perfect. ALL the answers are in the passage right in front of you, so what makes this section hard is time. Unfortunately, they build this section to have a bit of a time crunch in it, and they also grade it on a very difficult curve. I think the best way to prepare for this section is to just practice over and over and over again. It'll get you to analyze passages the way they want and make you understand what different questions are looking for. You also should work on building speed. Some verbal sections will take longer than others, and you need to be prepared for that. Test prep classes usually have specific strategies for parsing the passages or questions apart, and most people find these VERY helpful. For the Biology Section, there are several things you just NEED to know. Cold. The hormones are one of them, for example. You should discuss the other ones with your course instructor. The best way to get these in your head are flashcards. If you go through them once a day from the beginning, you'll be fine by the end. Other than that, the Bio Section is really an interesting beast. It beautifuly integrates many of the skills from the Verbal Section, requiring you to "think MCAT style" and use the passages, while also forcing you to apply your basic science, often in peculiar and foreign ways (well, they would have been foreign until you learned to think MCAT style; then they are second nature). Know what phylum these guys belong to? Me neither. There will be some questions that you will not know the answer to, and that's okay. Some questions will deal with absurd minutiae, such as what phylum some organism you have never heard of belongs to. That's okay. That's just how it works. In the wide world of general bio, you can't know everything. If you are scoring very high already, it may be in your interest to learn or memorize a lot of these subtle facts, but they really won't net you much, and you never know which subtle fact they will ask for on a given test. Hey, if you're really lucky, maybe there won't be any. The Physical Sciences Section is the most straightforward. You still have to use the passages and think in the MCAT style, but for the most part you're going to be applying your basic sciences. For very tough passages, they will warp a concept you know into something unfamiliar and scary. Don't be fooled by that. That's what they want. The only thing they can test you on is basic science, and when they want to make it tough, the only thing they can do is warp it and make it foreign to you. Unfortunately for them, it's still the same damn stuff you learned in gen chem or physics, just with big words, flowery sentences, and different angles of attack. Don't get stressed out when that happens. You just need to keep your cool and think about the basic ideas that they are really testing. I don't really care about the Writing Section. Maybe you disagree from reading my blog, but I have been told for most of my life that I am a good writer. I think I did one or two writing sections during my prep. You need to figure out how much time you need to spend practicing the writing section to get the score you are shooting for. Make sure you can get that score, and once you are positive you can, stop worrying about the writing section. Your time is better spent on the others. But remember, you MUST hit that minimum score. Overall, I don't think it's a good use of time to do the Writing Section on all the practice tests you take if you know you can get the score you want. Definitely try it once or twice, though, so you can understand the stamina that the real MCAT will require. I hope this guide helped someone. Please remember that these are just my personal thoughts, and this strategy may not work for everyone. I have done very well on every standardized test I have taken; I am a "good tester." Others may not be, so they may require a different set of strategies. Also, please keep in mind that just because this earned me a high score, it doesn't mean that will be the case for everyone. I am sure some people could use these tricks and still score poorly. Because I fully recognize that this strategy worked for me as an individual, and may only work for others on an individual basis, I want to impart some key advice to those who read this and don't think it would be helpful: take a VERY active role in designing your own test prep strategy. As I said, courses and the techniques they offer are very helpful for most people, but I am sure that everyone can benefit from designing a plan of attack suited to their strengths and weaknesses. The test is standardized, but we are not, so make sure you are developing your MCAT taking skill according to your personal abilities and needs.

two prof kwans one with white hair the other with dyed brown hair, part where it's revealed in class bc I get a question then the white haired one comes in and kwan blames it all on me for revealing this... something with xmen...universe galaxies. it was a nightmare.

depression stems from being caught up in the past, anxiety stems from being caught up in the future. both the past and future are really illusions because all that is truly real is now. - Jeffrey Michael

agape. retribution is obsolete.

mom's thoughts on westin hotel policies: "they charge for everything, even if you fart it's five dollars."

My friend Arthur who slept over the night before had an alarm that was like a beautiful song. Some time late at night I remember a woman’s screams coming from a neighboring apartment on multiple occasions. The dream starts strange. In some sort of underground home/bus…RMZ i-style was there and then other bboys were there in some dark house hideaway…there was a jam of some sort? They were coming to the US to represent, one of the first crews… somehow Claire was there and we started arguing about our problems (which were based on a true story) and Im not sure how she ended up fading away and this became centralized around Emily but it did. I don’t remember what happened in between there and when I saw Emily and things were just all bad but I remember her going back to her home, going into her home and starting the momentum of closing the door behind her. There was a blue light coming from the inside of her home, she was playing electronic music pulsating with bass, the door slowly started to close and just as it was about to shut, an older fatter white man (similar looking to professor curr) grabbed the door and entered the house. Somehow I could hear and see him say, “my name is notorious rapist (or something along those lines) and he proceeded to advance on her. I bolted into the house and began to fight the guy off of her. While he was momentarily down I tried calling 911 and managed to get a hold of someone but they told me apologetically that they could not come to help and that I was on my own. pCurr fled the scene and at some point before or after that event I had flipped up his old school station wagon beetle rusty light blue type looking car upside down. I can’t remember how but then friends started coming to help me because I knew that pCurr would be back. There was one event where he’d kidnapped Bryan Shieh and had his backpack standing in front of emily’s house. I remember seeing from emily’s porch sam oh behind a fence to my right looking trapped or caught by pCurr. I ran past pCurr and evaded his attacks to find sam, who was in fact not captured, and rode away on his bike accompanied by another female friend saying as he rode down into the horizon, “you’re on your own”. Fast forward again and now my friend and I are fighting pCurr and his minions but they have guns and we’re unarmed. I remember winning the fight and defeating them but I got shot. I wasn’t just shot once but multiple times by these smaller razor-type bullets that stung deep and made a crescent shape around my right breast. I remember lifting my shirt up and looking at where I’d been shot. There was no blood but that section of my flesh looked analogous to contorted intestines. After defeating pCurr and his minions everyone was ecstatic in celebration, only the pain in my chest stung deeper. We went to some kind of restaurant, the walls were all white, and its entrance was somehow connected to a hospital. I remember them all wanting to take a picture together and I told them that I did not think that right now was the right time as my chest was really starting to hurt. I walked towards the hospital.// I woke up clutching my chest. and jesse's bike was stolen from our apartment.

a long day.

I bounced from hoang's at 9 am after watching dark night rises last night. today at the tay counselor training I met daniel nunez, another thai/puerto rican. cray cray. brian greens workshop at city dance was cancelled but Im a proponent of the idea that it's always a trip to see where life takes you if you commit to going for whatever you aspire to do. In my case today that was attend the workshop after the training in fremont (which also allowed me to connect with more thai-american folk and apply my skill sets and knowledge from past youth work) and as a result I got to watch some funkanometry dancers do their thing, get two talk to one of my soul cannibals crewmates (jeff michael) and get to know the dude and his homie bo a bit better. people will flake and it's alright because these things happen and it's completely understandable, however heads up are sometimes nice, even though I suppose I still might not deserve it. word up. nap time.

1st off for the record I'd like to mention that I'm not schizophrenic. I was driving back to berkeley from school. just had another meet up with professor ancheta to talk about my timeline and such. to make a long story short it was a very real and spirit lowering/motivating conversation, one that reminded me of how far I've come, and how much further I have to go. I've been feeling many profound feelings lately that kind of mix together and leave me feeling strange, however there is an odd kind of beauty in that I suppose. for example I was thinking about how bryan had his first romantic experience in taiwan and how he described the experience, coupled with thinking about my own life and lack of such things(for good reason) plus my future timeline and how hard life is right now. While I was driving back I was listening to 91.1 (bay area jazz station) and there was a track that was purely piano riffs. In front of my was some sort of pick up truck that for whatever reason had its rear handle that you pull to lower the door to access the loading space was a bit loose and as a result of the wind it was flapping back and forth as the car was going. As the sounds of the piano played, my eyes couldn't help but focus on the wavering handle as its motions began to play the sounds of the piano. I found it beautiful. I see music in everything. Eventually the handle started speaking to me through the sounds of the piano saying things like, "you got this just keep doing what you're doing. Stay focused, you'll be pleased with your future." What is my future? I never got to ask, and I suppose that that's not a valid question to ask an oracle piano riff interpreting truck trunk handle. as two cars cut in front of my and the trunk sped up the trunk handle told me he/she had to leave but to remember its words. Talk about interesting. I'm trying my best to find that peace in the darkness. ---o gawd...past. "my good friend danny was feeling kind of down about human relationships with others regarding how there's always potential to always be doing something wrong, after this occurred I was talking to him and other folks about how i was watching this documentary about jupiter on the way here on the plane and I realized that much like the way in which the moon orbits jupiter or any planet for that matter, along with the events of that interplanetary interaction there also lies an even more intriguing interaction bigger than ourselves: the universe that we coexist within. if this is stateable then it can also be stated that within this orbiting interaction sometimes comets, asteroids, a tarnished old satellite, and an entire slew of other things can occur in the universe that may impact these moons and planets, they might be struck by the comet or asteroid etc, but one thing that will forever remain is the idea of orbit, and it is this that parallels our own human relationships, because if can remember the beauty of the essence of the human relationship, the human spirit's ability to prevail, and core love, then that is what should be the most important. these principles are the mean by which this planetary/interuniversal exchange can take place, and without this "love"...this orbit/universal interaction cannot be made possible. it is with this great feeling that I tell you both, moreover I implore you both to remember to relish in that relationships that you both have with others, whether you havent seen those people in days, months or years, or even if you just met this person on the street and think that they have a warm heart and endearing soul. cherish that. even cherish the 1st impressions. use those first impressions as a clay by which to sculpt your true perception of a person's character because even if this 1st impression that is created by them is of false doing and materials, it only furthers the truth of your final product. remember."

arteriez.

So basically Im at UCSF hospital right now doing a study on acute sedentarism and its effects on the arteries. They are also testing to see if there are any effects if these acute effects are reversible using fish oil supplements. I have to live in a hospital for 9 days and 5 of those days straight I have to be lying on my back and I can't get up whatsoever. my bed time is 11:30 PM. structure of the 9 days 1st 2 days- I can go about my life in the hospital how I chose next 5 days-limited to bed rest and can't get up last 2 days go about my life once again every other day I get blood drawn and different tests that look at my arteries. they give me 3 meals a day and a dietician actually let me circle the foods I preferred on certain days. (these words regarding each day came straight from my journal) day 1- Today's a chill day, I get to do whatever I want, meals are provided, and I don't need to lay down for 5 consecutive days yet. Time to figure my life out! (then I wrote a list of shit to try to tackle, most of them dealing with life's responsibilities. I've also been trying to figure out if after I finish schoolin' if I want to try to work abroad for a year or not and then apply to med school...still not sure yet though. day 2- day 2 of living in a hospital has served as a reminder that there's always time to do the things we love, we just have to be creative and flexible in terms of how we make that time. -I got pricked twice with tha needle cause for some reason blood stopped flowing out of my right arm :| -they did ultrasound on my femoral artery (near mah crotch) and one in my arm to look at arterial velocity before and after -a blood pressure cuff was used on my arm/leg to restrict some blood flow and then release restriction and watch the ensuing blood velocity and see its speed comparing that velocity now vs. progressively throughout the study. -one of their hypotheses is that the body's ability to increase arterial blood velocity under stressed conditions (as emulated by the blood pressure cuff test) will decrease in ability to compensate. -Hugh, one of the study coordinators informed me that the body makes nitric oxide via the nitric oxide synthase pathway to accomplish this. then I wrote more goals down like reading, writing to people, going through photos that I've neglected to post because of school and posting em' writing lyrics to a beat my friend produced cause' Im in a small hip hop collective right now and we're working on an album. -As I lie on my back I say to myself, "whoever created the bed alarm should really consider eating $4!+ and dying!!! (basically to make sure that I dont get out of bed they put a damn sensor that spans the width of the bed but is only about as thick as a half a sheet of printer paper, basically even if I am lying down sometimes for absolutely no (*(&(&(*& reason that damn thing starts going off making this incredibly annoying melody that can be compared to the nightmare version of mary had a little lamb AGH) Day 3 I decided to edit a series of clips that I randomly filmed when I got inspired one day sitting at a local chicken fast food chain. I edited it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxp6M5KPlZQ -being able bodied is a blessing -lying here in bed I count my blessings knowing that I'll only be here lying for 4 more days crappy free write: The sky is the canvas in my mind I can paint with thoughts if I chose to there's a bboy jam Im entering with my crewmate the day after I get out of the hospital so then I wrote out a bunch of stuff I planned to do at the jam, termed, "sets" ie.flare ->swipex2->turf spin take down(thing bboys/girls do to get to the floor)->funky footwork->cyclone dimension(to help me remember moves I create I give them names) -lying here on this hospital bed, I cheat death. I am housed in a room traditionally reserved for those with ailments, physical afflictions, disabilities, or chronically diseased. These are people who await their time of judgement. I lie here and the hands of the clock on the wall are moving but time stops for me. -I pooped tonight. slickly snuck the bed pan under mah butt(while still being careful to apply pressure to the bed alarm sensor), pulls my pants down, did the deed, retrieved the bed pan, deodorized it w/ axe, covered it in towels, wiped myself with huggies baby wipes, and gave it to nurse monica. oh boyee. day 4 I wish that more bed ridden elderly people used facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. so we could see more statuses advising us to cherish being able-bodied and to appreciate what we too often pass off as nothing special. -WHY DO I STILL HAVE BAGS UNDER MY EYES WHEN I'VE BEEN GETTING 8 HOURS OF SLEEP EACH NIGHT?

who really gives a fcuk.

Mr. Little Jeans The Suburbs Cover. Collie Buddz Movin' on

note to self: PEEP THA MARK ANTHONY PLAYLIST ON PANDORA (THANKS ARLENAS)

KEN SWIFT AHHH

First off I'd like to thank Arthur Savangsy, Allthewaylive and Arthur's homie for telling us about the workshop today. I MET KEN SWIFT TODAY AGJSHFJKDHFSDKJHFDSHHHHHHHHHH Thoughts on Ducky and KEN SWIFT'S workshop/main points: - being wary of using numbers (ie six step) with teaching foundational footwork because it's about what you do in between those steps and people tend to get "mechanical" with the way they step. - toprock is a specific entity referring to the specific steps that one does ie apache step that capture that certain lunging aggressive feel. - "top styling" refers to top rocks steps mixed with any other influences of dance - toprocks/top styling are intertwined/"A marriage" (as kenny described) with getting to the floor and doing footwork - both should be dope, not one more than the other - we should be able to do footwork both ways - FOOTWORK IS WHAT MAKES BREAKIN BREAKIN - breaking's the only dance style that in its core element (footwork) we can borrow from any style of dance, whereas in other dances ie popping an OG can straight up call you out and tell you "that's not popping" etc. - work on spin downs/basic footwork steps/freezes - Ducky taught us some sort of slow breathing/kung fu exercise to strengthen our knees called Dongko or something which I need to work on to strengthen my knees - Ducky told us about how there's a surgery you can do to stop your palms from sweating, and for some reason (maybe I didn't catch what he was saying completely) that allowed him to do office work for his military service instead of some other crazy military stuff. I asked Ken Swift about what he feels like it is to be puerto rican. "Today was puerto rican day in NYC, which I always come through and celebrate. I'm Puerto Rican/Cuban/part German (my dad is white) I'm thankful for what my mom and step dad did for me always playing music, my mom didn't speak spanish to me growing up though, neighbors were speaking spanish so it helped me learn, I embrace that culture but puerto rico's real language is Taino, not spanish. I'm aware of the history with the US and how it came to colonize (something like that) puerto rico and its people. The food is amazing, music etc" In general Ken Swift had a really positive vibe talking about his culture but it was with a grain of salt which is dope. I'm coming to understand that culture is simpler than I sometimes overcomplicate it to be. I can't think of anything else rite now and I gotta study for finals :D:|. Ideas: bronco in a circle, standard td to belly to freeze, spin down to up to spin down w no hands. sweep kick out HARD w opp leg->sweep hard to kick out w/ opp leg, ____ (reik-mexican group that norma and arlenas said are a dope slow rock group)

there is a bliss of youth. I don't want to forget it. I want to appreciate and embrace it... I just wish people were still down for committing to an activity that has no purpose inherently, other than celebrating exploration of a world of wonder.

"The other day someone asks me "What I want to do, and why I wanted to study for my GRE's" Having not been asked that yet by anyone, I was actually a bit taken a back and blurted something out about battling human trafficking through a public health lens. "You gotta do law then. Get a law degree" Interesting. Then I went into a famboozled state of mind because I hadn't thought about that yet. I talked to him about wanting access and power in order to really make change. I mean I am making change, but it doesn't come as easy nor is it "highly respected" I'm not sure what I am aiming at, all I know is that I need access and power in order to really have control over where resources are allocated." amen homie. amen.

this must be purgatory.

crazy when you feel alone, like you're disappointing those who care about you the most, when you're unmotivated and failing yourself. I need to figure something out. fast.

hey yo in the bliss of ***zdness lalalala

Im tired of playing roulette. when can the odds be in my favor.

note to self: figure out why watching people lick their finger to grab paper/turn a page releases some sort of easing chemical in my brain that put me at ease. add'nal note inserted 2.25 am 5/28/12 bobby who is a future Psy D from the Wright institute postulates that it could be due to something from my childhood that I can't remember that was connected to a strong emotional moment that was soothing. who knows tho.

(at starbucks and they playin' dat is you is o is you aint mah baybeeehhh) Iiiii got a man who's alwayssss late, eveeeerryyyytime we have a date, but I love him, OOOOH YESSSS I LOVEEEEE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMM (I dont actually have one, but this songz just too nasty not to sing along).

a pretty face can't replace who completes us in time and space.

fcuken A, I think I have some sort of vitamin deficiency/infection on my nose. sigh. my eating patterns are so sporadic and scant these days. I woke up at 9.49 am at mikee's apartment this morning and smashed it to microbio lec only to miss the quiz and midterm review. luckily professor rutledge had mercy on me and was down to let me make it up. I feel like the world's falling apart and I'm not holding it down like I vowed to after last quarter. I'm tired of my feelings about the world oscillating. yeah yeah yeah that's life but whatever. can't my own life graph be like that of a pathogen and actually experience a stable rate of exponential growth? I'd even be content with some stationary phase. I don't know to what it is, I don't feel like I'm doing this shit to myself. I'm no longer the "yes" man that close friends would tell me I was 3 years ago, and yet why am I still in a similar situation. after this study/catch up/scholarship app-fest until 6 pm I have to help malia with some dance project (ok yes I agreed to help her with that), drive to sac to kick it with kvo/KO before jdubs grad tmrw, drive to sc to swoop pii koi for seagrad, go to bootysf for rehearsal/chillen which aka means I can't study much that day. life has never been so bitter sweet. In the words of Kazoo, "GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" . I need to figure out mah muhfucken life.

http://www.photohype.com/DecisiveMoment.htm

but, for a certainty, back then, we loved so many, yet hated so much, we hurt others and were hurt ourselves... yet even then, we ran like the wind, whilst our laughter echoed, under cerulean skies... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=923fVDDwaHo&feature=related

who I am I kidding.. hah. . .

when this is all done with, hook up speakers lie on comfortable surface... and play http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fe4dk0Jtcw .... remember those times and the one you lost and the irony and the comedy/tragedy of it all... the rubiks cube you're caught up in trying to solve, or is it ok that all the oranges don't all match up perfectly.

holding hands is some magical stuff. if you have the privilege of doing so, never forget to nestle your palm into theirs with conviction, each and every time.

studying in a starbucks and the girl across for me is telling her male friend about how she used to cut herself. I need to check myself when it comes to assuming that someones' life is relatively stress free just because they're caucasian. I just grew up this way...

an interesting way to wake up

Stacks is now open 24 hrs a day bc it's Cal's dead week. I pulled an all nighter last night. went to cafe med with the lost gen boyz jesse dylan and rahul to eat breakfast there for the first time ever. I had microbio at 10, we finished grubbin' at 8, I drove to CSU EB to take a little "nap". I woke up at 11 am and after the whole FMLIwokeuplaaaate thing wore off, I had to pee. BAD. I couldnt hold it and I was in the middle of a pretty vacant parking lot. in a desperate attempt to be secluded I peed in between the space between two cars. as I breathed a sigh of relief after having executed this task, I zipped up my pants and walked back to get into the car to change and get ready for my 2nd class that started at 12. As I was putting on my pants inside the back of the car, I noticed that there had been a girl sitting the passenger seat of a car directly in front of me the entire time.

ไม่ไหวแล้ว...

father and daughter. the homestay I was living at in laos.

In my fantasies

I have your shoulder to lean on.

'funny how money changes situations'

today I saw a man reading a book. he laughed to himself while reading it. he derived laughter from a series of letters strung together on a page. that's real magic.

thank you lord for nights when you push yourself to do something you weren't going to do because you're too tired but you go anyway.

note to self: on btwists over your right shoulder, REMEMBER TO CONCENTRATE ON KEEPING YOUR LEFT LEG HIGH AND EXTENDED TO GET PARALLEL AND MORE HEIGHT :O

thanks to you both.

to keep it simple for now:

today I had a terrible day. I was in a starbucks looking for a seat and found what looked to be a vacant table. turns out a homeless woman was using it and I proceeded to get kicked out which is really no big deal. as I was using the computer on the counter where they have all the condiments for coffee, an older man who appeared to be in his 60s offered me his seat because he was leaving the establishment. I sat down and a man of about the same age asked me if I had enough room. I really appreciated their kindness, and it really changed the energy I was going into my midterm study session with. thank you lord and universe for reminding me of the beauty in the world when everything feels the darkest.

worth only found in
memories arbitrarily reclaimed
the inside of my eyelids
they remember
rainbow sediments found in trash cans
piece together these shortcomings
christ has died and resurrected in my fall
plummet to my rebirth while I turn the page
to a freshly pallid chapter
long to trace thumb and finger strokes
across parchment
conceive color to the world
speak in tongues of
cyan
citrus
and olive green
through my movement

and I am born again

DONE

WITH FCUKING BEING SUB PAR

TIME TO TURN THIS SHIT UP ON MINES JUNE 25TH WE GONNA SHOW EM

"failure"

what's failure? I don't really know what that means. I don't say this because I am above it, but rather lately it has been my close acquaintance.

oh yeah.

don't you just love it when you have a 3350 dollar registration block fee that is a result of school administration's lack of transparency and organizational abilities and then when you finally get the funds together to pay them off the online payment site doesn't accept visa? SHADIJASHUIHWQURWQHREUWQHR8QWRHE87RHEW8DHWEQ8DHQWD78WQHDWOIQHDWOIHDWQU9HDWQHDQW8DHQW8UHDWQD

so "if being with you were easy now, i would be with you already."

"does that mean you want to be with me?"

"yes"

fe.

and she never needed me really,
cause' we only need ourselves filthy
truths of the garbage bag full with pure moments
adjacent to the sins which need atonement

\auto-pilot on

flows through the columns of labyrinth of youth
hears 'enjoy the process til' you find your own truth'
mind corrodes from the acid rain upstream
it stings so good the sounds seem
well deserved self inflicted

no concept of clear transitions

only I can't keep these dreams
only I can't have these dreams
only I can't touch these dreams

only I can't win
it seems

I search for sun
in pitch black

incluso ahora, te extraño. no puedo enfocar en mis estudios. pienso en ti. cuidate y nos vemos nunca.

five sets created

time to wreck some fools at schools for fools this sunday.
this time I'll be the one turning the tables.

only source of joy lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9J65j2GNzw&feature=relmfu

in all the delirium I see your gaze

3.38 am

room of study partners taking turns showing each other/swooning^876876 off of youtube videos/google image searches of dudes they think are hot HAHAHAHA.

checkpoints.

every night. study. 3 exams this fri/sat. eat diet really terrible and screwing with my metabolism ironic doing nutrition presentations with new in oakland telling 6th graders to look out for high sugar sodium content then pounding monsters as the midnight oils burns and my tacychardias goin' bananaz sleep nap accidentally turn to 4 hrs of sleep study youtube a bit facebook access ask friend to change password so I dont check facebook every 3 seconds for photo comments/reactions/thoughts on music posts try 1990s on carpets but no rug burn laugh at bad jokes created by yours truly but no one laughs keep going keep going keep going my body isn't happy with me ahgajkgdsjahgfdsjfgds

I am the hokage.

somewhere in between 4 and 5 am the once distinct line between the viscosity of reality and calm waters of dreams merge into something I can't quite explain. I guess you could just call it drowsiness, but it's something more to me. It's a special time. I don't get to watch Naruto anymore but on a random Sunday night I found myself in front of a projector TV (strange because I never watch shows let alone in front of a TV) witnessing an episode with my younger brother. You know how some animes can be, sometimes it takes two to three episodes to give the back story behind why a character acts a certain way when in the actual scope of the show the only thing that has actually chronologically occurred is that the protagonist has picked her/his nose one tyme. it could be for a lot of reasons, maybe this was purposely done by the creators of the show because they felt it was something important they wanted to emphasize for the plot line, or maybe the writers are stalling to catch up to the manga and thought that they would create an episode about why the character likes picking their nose and how picking their nose reminds them of their childhood when they used to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival with their grandmother who was very dear to them and interestingly had an affinity for collecting rocks that struck resemblances to past emperors of the Meiji Era. Anyways, back to the episode. It was about Rock Lee, a cat who I really admire. I mean, the dude has heart. I never saw myself as someone who was ever exceptionally gifted at anything. When I was younger I never was really particularly good at anything academically, I was horrible at practically every sport I tried to play (unless you count bottlecap soccer which I was aiight at, or pogs (which I'm still currently petitioning for to be recognized at the upcoming London Olympics...), and overall I was just a super clumsy kid. Maybe it was because I was never passionate about many of the things I tried, maybe it was because I was lazy, or maybe I just overall sucked, who knows, but regardless I never recall ever saying to myself, "oh hey Francis you know there's an accordian sitting there next to that Eastern European man, why don't you pick it up and start jammin'" and then proceeded to try it like two times and then be the next Pavarotti of accordians. I've always had to work for everything I have come to know or be somewhat proficient at. I used to envy other folks for their ability to pick up things so easily, the folks who had all the support from a young age, the resources, the princeton review SAT prep courses, the parents who made it to all their basketball games. My life wasn't any of those things. Nothing about me or my family fit that archetype. at this point in my life I've come to accept, nourish, and even love this aspect of my being, and I've come to understand myself and the fact that I wouldn't have the drive that I do now if I had the talent that others possess. Rock Lee didn't possess natural gifts that many other ninjas were born with to practice a diverse array of ninja techniques, so he dedicated himself to using solely taijutsu, something unheard of because of the vulnerability that it could cause for a ninja in battle. He trained countless minutes, hours, days, nights, weeks on end, all with a dream to realize his dreams, to show himself that he was just as adept and powerful as anyone else, to become something worthy of calling a legend. I wonder if Rock Lee ever had issues with chronic bags under his eyes. These days I see myself in Rock Lee more than ever, trying to make it in this post-baccalaureate program despite all the problems I'm having, trying to balance work and extracurriculars, maintain the relationships I have with the friends and family I love, keep improving in Spanish and Thai, commuting back and forth on the weekly, contributing to the art form of dance, and most of all, sleep. There's a lot we can learn from anime, we just have to keep our eyes, ears, and most of all our minds open to the possibility...

yesz.

~two neutrino particles smash into one another at a speed faster than light, ricocheting outwards into the vast universe.

listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub8sCqQJUu4

I sometimes feel like the water in the stream flowing with the pebbles underneath, with the flowing sediments. then I find myself in the stagnant tributary, realizing just how much more learning I need to do.

this was a tough week, and there'll be many more to come. I'm thankful for the things I fear the most, and appreciate the most adverse circumstances. I went through call intimidated by genetics, was ridiculed by my lab PI at CHORI for knowing close to nothing about chemical assays, serial dilutions, or how to convert from grams to milligrams (DAMN F'REAL) and here I am wrestling with professor Curr and his psycho expectations. and I'm learning. I can't believe I'm writing a blog about a fcuken class. good thing I can turn the most seemingly non interesting things into stories. for me our immune system's like different infantry divisions from different nation states that were all teleported to an island by an unknown entity (normally deez nation states have hella beef because of a history of 54897438973589 yearz of war with one another) and all they know when they simultaneously arrive together on the moonlit beach shore is that they must work together and protect the island for an indefinite amount of time if they are ever to make it back to their homelands. I know the difference between transfection and transformation. I know the different blotting techniques, their steps, and their purpose. Western Blots are for protein assays, Northern are for RNA, and Southern are for DNA. word word I'm coo. I dont really care much for tha mechanizms but I do appreciate the benefits that these studies can have for the larger society.

On another note I was in a parking lot in hayward about to go meet two classmates to study for that dayum immunology midterm when I was listening to KALX and this one dj named citizen zane who's pretty illin' was interviewing this cat named Zion Train, a dub legend who was of african descent, from the uk, but living in and calling from cologne, germany, at 1 am. for some reason Ipictured him in one of those red telephone booths on a london street corner head pressed against the phone box drowsy and somehow still sputtering out bits and pieces of knowledge. he was talking about why he does music and his philosophies regarding it. He talked about how dub was a reflection of those specific times, how the machinists behind the music would crank up the drums and bass to make them the centerpiece and mess with the vocals, he talked about how music that is created is a representation of the condition of life one is living. I thought that that was beautiful. it makes me remember why music is such a centerpiece in my life and why I find myself always gravitating towards it even when I'm in life's trance, and it is in that moment I snap out of autopilot and open my eyes, I'm on my back floating on the surface tension of music, marinating my periphery, all for me to melt into.

Letrera a profesor Fleming.

Dear Professor,

I was taking a break from work today when I was on my old blog just
going through old entries. I stumbled upon this and felt very blessed:

“Why do you want to help others?”
Prof. says that the recurring theme that he says that we want the truth.

"One of the secrets to school is to enjoy it, when you enjoy it you do
better at it. The reason why I’m putting this up there is because I
want to challenge you all to see what defines you. It’s 6:41 PM, at
6:45, "you can redefine yourself." You can say that you felt this way,
saw something, and say that this is who I want to be. One thing that
is inconspicuously absent is money, I grew up poor and that’s what I
always wanted. The Nissan Z was big when I said that when I grew up I
was gonna buy one and I did buy a 350 Z. I do public interest work and
get paid pretty well, I’m not going to say that it’s not a part of
everything, it’s a part of it as well. You can ask yourself, who am I?
Do any of these apply to me, or you can choose to not care about none
of that as well? "

"In 7th grade I always ate lunch with two of my friends. My friend
Chris had two divorced parents. Chris’ family owned the only Chinese
grocery store in town. Chris would get fantastic food from the
cafeteria. Mike would have ding dongs, great stuff and never share
with anyone. I would have a sandwich of some sort. Chris would always
get French fries (which were really good). Every single day for a
year, I would ask Chris for French fries and he would always say no,
finally he gave in once and let me get two leftover fries. I always
told myself that I’d never grow up having to ask anyone for French
fries. People always ask how can you want to help communities and still drive
a sports car? (His experiences show that he wants to work for those
communities but it’s still ok to have some things that you like,
sheeit, you did happen to bust your butt to get to where you wanted to
be in your life!)"

I've been doing that post-baccalaureate program at CSU East Bay that I
told you about a few months back and honestly I have forgotten about
enjoying it. Honestly it's very difficult to for a few reasons. First
off, I feel that I'm in some strange purgatory-like state taking
classes at another school for something that will not confer me any
kind of degree and is more of a way to atone for my academic sins in
science classes at UC Berkeley. Secondly, I'm not very interested in
most of the classes that I have been forced to take, which mostly
consist of upper division science courses which mostly discuss very
specific molecular mechanisms describing how certain processes
function in nature. Thirdly, I feel disconnected from the bigger
picture and the people and communities I want to serve. Most of my
time is spent studying and trying to improve my GPA. At the same time
I feel that I need this discipline, to improve my study skills, and
drill the idea into my brain that sometimes you have to make
sacrifices like this in order to get to where you want to be and work
with the community you want to work with some day. It would have been
great to have some humanities classes integrated into the curriculum,
but then again that means even more money for tuition and
post-baccalaureate students get terrible financial aid.

I hope that I haven't rambled too much professor, I just had a feeling
that you might appreciate some aspect of my ramblings. I also just
wanted to let this blog entry that I recorded serve as a reminder to
you of the students' lives that you are impacting through your
teaching. It's much appreciated and I thank you again for the time I
had to take your course and dialogue with you. I hope all is well and
that you're taking care of yourself and finding peace and fulfilliment
with each day. Take care of yourself!

Sincerely,
Francis

A. H. YEZ.

I love the fact that my part time job serves a doper bigger picture benefit to the greater community but also doesn't need me to utilize 100% of my mental capacity. T minus 7 horas hasta que puedo empezar estudiando para que puedo sacar una nota buena en mi examen este sabado. holla.

CAFFEINE IS A HEYL OF A DROOG

WIRED AS FACK on some kind of mocha beverage from tha FSM. I never drink coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee so I'm loooppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh as fack trying to draw out mechanisms of the innate and adaptive immune system and break down the specific molecules that're turned on or off that work together to elicit the things we observe externally such as inflammation swelling and redness (oh wait swelling and redness are parts of inflammation BLABLABLA IM WIRED)
OK BYE

prioridades.

'tengo tanto que decirte...pero donde empezar...'

ahora escuela esta matandome...
la cosa es que es mas de solo que tengo un clase mas dificile de todos los clases que haz tomado en el programa. Pienso que todavia no estoy enfocado, y aveces regrese a los malos habitos que tengo con estudiando y enfocando. Espere que hubiera haber ido a tomar ese examen de ADD. Cada dia cuando trato a leer, siempre oye sonados de los cancionces de salsa, funk, o cualquiera tipo musica que esta atascado en mi cabeza. Cada dia pienso de una cosa con que estoy preocupado, de mi familia, de mis temores...Cada dia pienso de ella.

Tengo que majorar mi mente y enfocarme. tengo que ser una persona equalibrada que quiero ser en el futuro.

sin pelo.

usted podría ser calvo y yo todavía te amo igual. .

espía encubierto

espere que era una espía encubierto, disfrazado de una mujer normal, pero en actualidad era una mujer real. no me intereso. sigh.

Today at work I was minding my own business, having freshly pulled some charts from the records department downstairs. I had just collected some 20 charts and plopped them on the research department cubicle until Tiffany notified me of where there was vacant space. I also had to make poopy, so I went ahead and did dat. when I got back to the area on the central filing cabinet in the middle of our area was a large assortment of foods sprouled out everywhere. To give some context, the research cubicle area is surrounded by vietnamese folks and everyday when I'm not listening to mixes on my headphones I get to listen to the music of their voices gossiping about some issue in their lives or describing to one another the interesting aspects of the process of living their respective lives. as you already know, there are a few things in this world that make my brain release some type of relaxant chemicals that put me at ease: when someone's reading something and they lick their finger then turn the page, acrylic nails tapping in a sequence on a nice hard surface, and most recently the sound of middle aged vietnamese women chit chattering about their lives in a well lit office building. going back to the original story, the food was everywhere and one of the AHS workers Tina Diep was offering me some of the food. she told me that it was for vietnamese new year and described to me how the night before new years is like thanksgiving and that's when all the family gets together and stuffs their faces with home cooked foods infused with love. my boss was there and she asked me about my ethnic background. Her and Tina asked me about when Thais celebrate their new year. Tina told me that she's part Teo-Chew and identifies more with her Chinese side, and that she has family in Thailand that do business (a common Teo-Chew thing, apparently they can hussle...hope I inherited those genez ahahaha..hah). It was at this point where in hindsight I told mahself, "francis good ish for asking questions, it really opens doors to lands of wisdom and perspective that you may never have known". I asked my boss Thu if she cooks Vietnamese food at home. she told me that her mother passed away already but she does remember some of the dishes that she used to make and actually made pho a few nights ago. She told me about how as she got older she was more sensitive to MSG, somehow ended up venting about her life schedule, how her and her husband coordinate cooking, putting the kids to sleep, finishing up work late at night, and getting up to go to work and do it all over again. most of all when concluding this vent she emphasized, "ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE NOW!!!" to me. Stuff like that just reemphasizes the fact that I really do need to just go for things like traveling etc while I still have my youth and before I settle down. at the same time though, I truly look forward to being a father and can't wait to have a family with someone that I love some day. going back to the initial story (for the 2nd time lololol) I am thankful for even the smallest things and these women who I feel are like my 2nd aunties. thank you for the love and I hope to infuse that love into my being to share with others around me.

una historia.

aproximamente un mes pasado,
era el tiempo de examenes finales en mi universidad.
era una de esas semanas en que alguien come, duerme, y sueños de sus clases. Durante tiempos como eso, aveces una persona tiene que cambiar su limpiedad del cuerpo para tiempo a estudiar. No puedo acordar el dia specificamente pero habia un dia cuando tenia que ir a mi trabajo, pero no tenia el tiempo a ducharme antes de ir a trabajar. Senti sucio y apestoso y no podria enfocar durante trabajo. Por eso es que me ocurrió una idea. Plane a ir al baño, esperar hasta que todos los muchachos acabaron usandolo, y a lavarme el pelo muyyyyyyyyy rapido para que nadie podía cogerme. Entonces, espere en dentro del cuarto de la cadena, hiciendo como estaba orinando. Teni cuidado, estaba escuchando los sonidos en el orden que personas tipacamente escuchen muchachos usando el baño: tirando de la cadena, lavando los manos, secando los manos, y finalmente, saliendo del baño. Espere con paciencia hasta que la ultima persona salio del cuarto, y corri al lavabo de baño y empece lavanado mi pelo con shampoo, agua, y todo eso rapido. Estaba secandome el pelo...cuando escuche la puerta abriendo. Tenia miedo pero continue secandome el pelo... esperando con pacienca por eso sonidods... espere..secando... y escuche: tirando de la cadena, lavando los manos, secando los manos, y finalmente....despues de triente mas segundos, la puerta del baño abriendo y cerrando.
En este tiempo, tenia mucho miedo porque no sabia si alguien iba a gritarme o mas peor, MATARME por eso es que corri a ponerme las cosas en mi mochila de computadora y regresar a mi escritorio a continuar poniendo data en el base de datos. Antes de que pudiera salir, dos hombres apareceron el baño, uno que aprecio pato (no tengo nada contra los patos), y el otro mas viejo. El pato me pidio, "Quien estas?" Le di que trabaje aqui. "Donde trabajas?" Le di para el departamento de ivestigaciones con Thu y Tiffany. Ellos me miraron como era raro y se disculparon a mi. Pero dijeron que pensaron que era alguien sin hogar. Despues aprendi que el pato se llama Clarence y tiene un posicion muy alto para AHS con ayudando de recaudación de fondos. El dijo a Thu que paso y me puse muy embarassado pero ella es una mujer carinosa y me dijo que no debo que lavarme el pelo en el lavabo de baño. 555+ . . .

ahora mismo no puedo describir como me siento.
este parte de mi vida es una de los cambios y ajuste.
espero que puedo quedar en stockton por lo menos tres dias de la semana, problamente el domingo, lunes, y martes si es posible a schedular trabajo los miercoles y jueves, y clases los viernes y sabados. este parte de mi vida tambien es una de transición, no solo porque tengo que schedular mi trabajo, escuela, internado etc, pero porque tengo que aprender a estar en paz y a dejar alguien a ir. aunque ella no me quiere, me voy a continuar teniendo fe y estar dedicado a ella hasta que me cambia a otro forma de existencia..

"at the end of day, when i floss my teeth, and get ready to fall asleep, you're the one in my mind."

once upon a time.

nawrrr: i will not allow for this "bad timing" shit to happen.

cuando me dijiste que nada me recuerdan a ti porque casi nadie te conocen, me rie.
algunas personas no tienen que hablar de ti a para que recordarte.
una persona no tiene que conocer el mundo porque te vives en dentro de mi...

And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me