what's bothering me? i'm trying to put this into words... some movies, and it seems that many of the movies that I end up watching have a sort of way of making me feel lonely. it's as if outside of the world i become so involved in for that cinematic period i am on my own and it is a cruel and empty space that I am about to re-enter. i don't know what it is that makes me feel so lonely, maybe it's the underlying themes presented in the films, or maybe it's the fact that i see the people in my lives' habits, personalities etc and can see into the future and foresee their outcomes. i was thinking about how on the way to LA I am meeting with kaezel to stop by SB for half a day and then head to LA but if there was no kaezel nor rocky in LA to meet with then i would be alone, and there'd be nothing there for me nor a reason to pass my time in those spaces. these places in our lives are but hollowed out localities in the absence of life. in the absence of eye contact or feelings, ones' consciousness of their humanity, these places are nothing but dust, and "to dust we shall return". I'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid that I am making a mistake by committing to this month long program and that I will not stay consistent with mcat, and that I won't be able to maintain exercise and lose the battle of tenacity. but I won't allow myself to lose, I've come to far. I know more than I think and I must remind myself to continue being persistent. but at the end of the day what is this all for? to make my family proud? what if they themselves no longer existed, then who would I fight for? as human beings, we long for companionship but does it all even matter. does our happiness on earth serve a purpose if the real purpose of our lives is to live as holy as possible and live to glorify our creator? I think it does. I'm waiting for clothes to dry so I can pack. I have about 10 hours of traveling ahead of me today. I will blink two times and suddenly be in santa barbara, blink again and be at orientation in a crappily wrinkly dress shirt. I'm tired. The last mcat I took I got a 20 ( 8p 6v 6v) and I need to step my game up hard. I need balance, I need love, I need work. I need peace... please Lord help me to find peace. thank you for accepting these words.

“Freedom- the fatuous jingle of our civilization, but only those deprived of it have the barest inkling of what it actually is...” <-I can connect with that so much. from cloud atlas.

It was just such a long day, in the morning I was hanging out with my younger brother and running errands in stockton, then coming back to berkeley and having a regular day. My crew was having a practice at 8. the thing about our culture is that people from all colors, creeds, etc are a part of it, all unified under a love for movement. so there was this guy named xxxx who asked me to join his crew who attended the practice, he asked me to go out to sf to hang out with him. I knew that normally when xxxx parties, this guy goes really hard and is seriously out all night going crazy, even if he has like to be up at 5 am (which he did today because he had a job interview at embassy suites -_- ). This dude is genuinely a good person but he's definitely had a tough life. To give you an idea of him he grew up with a tough background. At the same time during the day he is an innovative, powerful, and beautiful dancer and one of the cats who first inspired me to work to realize my potential. He respects the fact that I don't mess with that stuff and doesn't get me in the mix with all of that. Sometimes I get bummed out because I know that xxxx could be so much better if he didn't do certain things like that, but I understand that I suppose we have to survive somehow and that people have to live their own lives and make their own decisions..after all we're adults now. And I worry about him. So anyway me him and my crew practiced for a while then him and I left to SF to met up his friend who's like a flight attendant (he had a layover) he met in hawaii at a club. I dropped him at the club where they were supposed to meet and left to a different part of SF because earlier him and I had a misunderstanding that we were going to originally go first to meet this other guy in our crew to catch up for a bit, but since his friend was coming from the airport for such a limited time, he wanted to take care of him, so i just left alone. I understood the circumstances but I was kind of bummed for sure. So I went to go visit my crew member, he just moved here from hawaii to be with his girlfriend and they're getting married soon. We caught up and got some ice cream at safeway which was chill. Sometimes I feel like the older I get the more that I appreciate doing mellow things. I love that. After we kicked it a bit I made my way back to meet up with him and swoop him and his friend. they wanted to make it to some bars in the castro before 2 am. As we were driving there he asked me for my license plate # and I was like "why????" but I was like it's in the glove compartment. So he makes a call and he's like talking to this dude and he's like, "yeah so we might be missing a couple yellow lights today so if you can just make sure that this license number doesn't come up i got you later, I'll get it to you for the normal rate no worries" so basically he'd just called some guy who's in charge of monitoring the license #s that come up if you run a red light and I guess he had the ability to delete people's #s who come up in the system? So after he'd explained to me that that was what he just did, he told me this story about how he had connections with this CHP officer and one time how he got pulled over for like speeding on the bay bridge like 100+ while wasted and how his friend who was CHP came and busted him out of that situation where otherwise he would've gotten his license suspended, gone to jail, and gotten his car towed. Anyway after that we found parking next to the gay club they wanted to attend. xxxx asked me for my keys and I was like "???" "for what???" but as I gave it to him, and I saw him pulling out a little plastic bag with powder in it, I realized what it was for and just watched him and his friend do lines of cocaine off the tip of my honda key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxx_XXXXX. after that we entered the gay club we were just chilling when suddenly this dude named michael who says he's in law enforcement comes up to me. he's completely wasted and practically spitting in my ear talking about searching for a soul mate and other things to put it lightly. Im just like trying to be nice and whatever but thankfully when he figured out I was not gay he backed off and went to go frolic elsewhere. after that they wanted to go to xxxx 's friend's house and basically for two hours they told stories of romance from their perspective about like open relationships, all these different types of dynamics between them and other men, and just a bunch of stuff. In hindsight the perspective was good to gain (like in the future when working with queer males around reproductive health) but it was a bit overwhelming because for the most part that was all that was discussed for the entirety of the two hours. then after that we had to go to oakland to drop off xxxx 's friend at his hotel then i had to drive back to walnut creek to drop off xxxx then finally I got back home, feeling kind of tired and a bit bummed out. Nonetheless it's ok because I seldom ever do nights like this in any way shape or form and xxxx 's contributed to my life in certain aspects and that's worth more than a 1/4 tank of gas or couple extra hours of sleep. Like I said, it's just always surreal to me how our dance culture is, like there are people you'd never meet or get involved with if you were not connected by dance, and mine andxxxx 's relationship exemplifies that well.

i can't process everything that happened tonight. ... Im goin to sleep. (plygmy, lcid, zay, bevmo, etc)

today's just one of those fcuken days... im trying to balance studying for this dumb bio final, mcat, and planning for the future, all the while getting distracted every couple minutes jumping on the floor trying moves or fcuken w/ "cko" or whatever. thank goodness for "selfcontrolapp". im goin to starbucks. AHHHH HELP ME

im losing track of when i eat... fcuk standing waves. (at aucoquelet. 12:51 am) (dropped by chaidys hs grad bbq today)

i start this entry with that feeling inside when something in your deep sternum area feels as if it's ready to sink to the depths of a dark place inside of you. a feeling i haven't felt for a while now. this wknd was beast to the east and nmls collective's first performance together. odette and her husband steve also visited and i went with ma to visit em' at the presidio. i'd only been there at night o drop off vicki so that was dope. anyway, I learned/was reminded of a few things this weekend. 1) credits to esauce: that life shouldn't be about suppressing the things that complete us. 2) that oftentimes i cannot be the ideal person for someone, but that that's ok and that I am who I am, even if I will never fit that 'ideal mold'. Regardless of these statements I still have that sinking feeling inside. Having a shared faith is something that many value and something I respect and connect with. I understand yet the feeling within my sternum continues to remain there, sinking for an undefined period of time. Although I feel that in many ways I was mature for my age, I feel like a dumb 16 year old who's stressed about some ish that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I say this yet the feeling continues to remain with me. Regret is a distant relative of mine who usually never visits my temple, however she seems to take space in my apartment from time to time these days...