misery.

nausea, reflecting on all mistakes made, feeling helpless and unable to take care of self, slight depression, I must be patient and give things time while putting in as much work as possible with consistency...

I feel like grade A sirloin shit-ake mushrooms. I can barely lift up my right leg at all and now im forced to use my weak acl reconstructed leg as my strong leg. i just vomitted up all the blueberries/cranberry juice i ate earlier. it came out so fast that i didnt have time to aim for the trash bag, and now there's a nice oasis of vomit sorbet on the floor. im falling more and more behind in school and mcat because my head hurts too much to study and when Im conscious all i can do is try to research prognosises on the procedure I got. i havent worked out in 5 days and i feel my body getting weaker, i need to do something fast. they made me sign a 'voluntary' resignation until I recover from these surgeries. my bank loans need to get paid...this is terrible. ok im done being negative. I can't lose this battle.. I'm gonna murk this stupid MCAT in july no matter what it takes. i can't lose this physical battle, i must keep my body strong, i must keep my mind sane, even when the world feels like it's going to implode on itself.

This is just one of those bad days. I'm super stuffed up with a cold, my knee's buggin me, my right lower back is hurting like nuts (and im still not sure if it labral tear-related but i can only hope it is..) and my face feels drier than a saharan desert. I tried taking a diagnostic mcat exam earlier, got 8 problems deep, then my head started hurting and I struggled to fall asleep for three hours. I feel terrible. I left my cell in the car. I ran out of underpants and socks. With the exception of milk three days ago, i haven't bought groceries since the surgery. I feel disconnected from the world (i know im actually not but yeah). I'm worried that I'm going to end up overloaded again and do badly on the MCAT. I cancelled my May 11th exam date. My classes start tomorrow. weekend classes, so goodbye social life/life in general. I don't even know when i'll be able to go visit family. I missed Ash Wednesday mass. sometimes we put so much effort into something that we convince ourselves that it is more than it really is and we pour endless amounts of time energy and compassion into it, only to find that those sentiments were not exactly reciprocated. It's understandable though considering the circumstances and context of background and experiences. I'm broke and waiting to get my paycheck and it's my fault because of getting inspired last Friday. How am I gonna potentially handle being a psychiatrist when I can't even get my basic ish together. I need a set schedule to follow through with, but it's hard when there're so many possible variables still up in the area regarding my labral tear surgery and easter seals bay area. It's just not a good day for me. I'm just rambling. c'est la vie.