to ktan

What’s up bro,
Thanks for taking the time to write to me man, I know that it takes a lot to put yourself out there especially when one feels vulnerable. Asking for someone else’s help regardless of what anyone tells you is not weakness by any means. First and foremost let me tell you that with family you should never feel that you’re laying anything on anyone. To me family is about being there for others when they need that support, it’s a mutualistic kind of flow, and you should expect nothing less from someone if they are fortunate to be able to call themselves your friend.
Like I told you bro, you and I are in a very similar position right now and I have a good idea of how you’re feeling right now. I’m in a very similar situation with Emily. I know that she is that special person in my life and I made the mistake of treating her less than what she deserved in the past. Basically what happened was that after my relationship with Dianna I was really mentally and emotionally messed up and that left me bitter and feeling as if I couldn’t be stable enough to be a good boyfriend again, much less find love again. Anyways as a result of that much like you I didn’t treat Emily the way that she deserved to be treated. There was one specific night I remember at her old apartment where they were having a party and she hugged me, looked at me in the eyes, and said, “I love you…” and I just stood there seemingly emotionless and didn’t reciprocate those words. It was moments like that that deeply hurt her and internalizing the idea that she wasn’t good enough for me. Why would I do that if I really did feel the same way for her? Simple. Fear. Fear took control, my mind, my rationality took control and told me that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, I let it consume me and tell me that I’d be preventing her more pain by pretending that I didn’t feel the same way as opposed to speaking the truth from my heart, being a shitty boyfriend, thereby perpetuating her history with dudes treating her shitty. She gave her everything to me, 110% 24/7 and I fronted and pretended as if I didn’t love her, when in actuality I should’ve listened to what my heart was telling me the entire time. Both you and I have had to learn this lesson the hard way, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lose faith in love. As you already know, since I’ve been back from Thailand, I’ve been trying my hardest to show Emily how committed I am to us and our future together. I can’t tell you how many times that that’s been met with ungratefulness, being treated as if I don’t exist, verbal abuse, etc. I’m not gonna lie, there are times where I’ve just sat down and cried, and that’s alright because that’s human and that shows the impact and importance of Emily in my life. You know what though? All the shittiness that I’ve experienced this summer, despite how hard it’s been, even when it seems like things aren’t getting any better between us and there is no hope, I continue to have faith. I am thankful just to have her in my life, and most importantly I feel blessed to be able to feel pain. This pain that I feel isn’t from something trivial like drama with a friend over something senseless, it’s derived from love, something that some people search their entire lives for. The fact that you and I can both feel this pain from our love for these womyn in our lives is a beautiful thing, and no matter how things are between us and these womyn, we have had the privilege to feel this within ourselves and it’s up to us to decide if it’s something that we want to keep fighting for. In my case, I will fight to the ends of this world for that love, even if it means dying alone. I know that sounds dramatic as heck and we’re mad young at this point in our lives, but through many experiences in my life, I’ve come to see just how full circle life comes around. I know that life brings us questions. With that comes uncertainty, fear, internal battles we fight with ourselves and a whole plethora of other challenges. The thing is that life is a constant process of questions, and us working day by day to answer some of those questions but understand that there will always be questions. For me, I want to be the one that is there with Emily through that process of life. I know life even though there is still more to be lived. You may wonder how a person can ever know the rest of their lives but I’ll tell you this, a feeling within someone lives deeply inside them to their last days. Nothing can change that, just like my feelings for you and my faith in us. Through many of my experiences I’ve come to see the entire circle of life from a young child taking his or her first steps to a person who was once that child taking their last breaths, and everything in between. It may sound kind of odd, but I can see my life and how it is going to pan out. One second we’re in our twenties stressing about school/work etc. , the next 53 and having had partied through our twenties, and worked for thirty years in the “so and so field”, then suddenly we are on our death beds contemplating our lives and feeling closer to a higher being because we had just had a heart attack and now we want to be more religious. What did our lives mean? Did we live our lives to the fullest? What does that question even mean for us? I know that when I am at that point in my life, one of the main questions I will ask myself will be, “When you found the love of your life, did you truly commit yourself to her in your thoughts, words, and actions, or did you just give up and let the best thing that happened to you in your life pass you by just because the circumstances weren’t perfect?” As long as I know that I was committed to Emily in this life and stood by those feelings to my last days then whether or not we are one day together, when I pass I will go knowing that I gave it my everything. Like I told you, I’ve tried everything humanly possible to show her that I’m serious about how committed to being with her. All that’s been happening is me getting moded hella hard on the daily. I’ll tell you something though, as much as they front as if they don’t care what you’re doing, consistency is king. With time they’ll come to see if you keep putting in that work. If she’s dwelling in the past, remind her that the present will soon be the past, and as such if you keep putting in that work then instead of dwelling on the past when you didn’t treat her well she’ll begin to look at when you started turning things around and improving for her sake. Right now I know it’s hard but things can’t be on your terms. No matter what you say to her about your feelings, these are on your own terms and that’s not how she’s going to be able to decide for herself that she wants to be with you. As difficult as it may be for us, we have to be patient, consistent, and most of all let time heal the wounds that we have created. I take all the pain that I feel in my life and pour it into our dance.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling." –Morrie from the book Tuesdays with Morrie.

I hope that that this was of some help to you bro. If you need anything bro you can always talk to any of us, we got your back.

Much love,
Francis