he wishes he remembers all his scales and still could play solos, keep time, and read his rhythms.
he knows that people come and go but characters live forever.
he wonders if the efforts and heart of his life fall into the category of non-fiction, for they are his truth.
or fiction, as the world always seems to label persons who possess such faith.
was he in fact a person?
perhaps a character in a disposable novel.
just a figment of our imagination.
he leaves, not sure of ever finding himself again.
for people come and go, but characters live forever.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
fe.
hoy durante mi trabajo, algo con importancia significado paso.
estaba haciendo mis cosas en un cuarto de otra mujer que no lo uso los lunes de la semana. Este cuarto yo he usado muchas veces, pero en este vez algo estaba diferente. Estaba haciendo mi trabajo en la computadora, cuando empece pensando de ella. En el momento de cuando empece pensando del fe que tengo que tener para el futuro, mire a la derecha encima del escritorio y alla juntado de el reloj estaba un pedaso de arte hechado de glase que dijo la palabra, "fe" sola. En ese momento, piense que Dios quieria decirme que tengo que continuar en mi mission. No puedo renunciar a todo, porque la ama con todo de me cuerpo y alma. que me proveche.
estaba haciendo mis cosas en un cuarto de otra mujer que no lo uso los lunes de la semana. Este cuarto yo he usado muchas veces, pero en este vez algo estaba diferente. Estaba haciendo mi trabajo en la computadora, cuando empece pensando de ella. En el momento de cuando empece pensando del fe que tengo que tener para el futuro, mire a la derecha encima del escritorio y alla juntado de el reloj estaba un pedaso de arte hechado de glase que dijo la palabra, "fe" sola. En ese momento, piense que Dios quieria decirme que tengo que continuar en mi mission. No puedo renunciar a todo, porque la ama con todo de me cuerpo y alma. que me proveche.
Friday, December 2, 2011
It may not seem like much to most, but I'm proud of myself.
I have three finals next week, epi, viro, and biochem, and I want to start off this first quarter right, despite all the B.S. I've been dealing with these past few months.
Despite there being lots of exciting events in the bay area today i.e. cornell west speaking, the people party at ybca (one of the illest events I've ever been to), and potentially sascerade (hah...จริงจริงแล้วลอเล่น YEAH RIGHT, SHE WOULDN'T BOTHER ASKING ME ANYWAY) I went home to stockton on a friday night...to study.
I have three finals next week, epi, viro, and biochem, and I want to start off this first quarter right, despite all the B.S. I've been dealing with these past few months.
Despite there being lots of exciting events in the bay area today i.e. cornell west speaking, the people party at ybca (one of the illest events I've ever been to), and potentially sascerade (hah...จริงจริงแล้วลอเล่น YEAH RIGHT, SHE WOULDN'T BOTHER ASKING ME ANYWAY) I went home to stockton on a friday night...to study.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
when all of your friendships with people are running into the ground,
when you feel like you have lost the person who makes something special move inside you everytime you see them,
when you feel like you're progressively fcuking up more relationships,
when you feel like you're not even trying to but just seem to have a knack for fcuking things up,
when you feel like the schedule of life is getting to be too hard,
when you don't feel like you have a stable home to go to,
when you don't really feel like interacting with people,
when you feel like as a result of you messing up in school and doing a post-baccalaureate program you are now wasting your time and denying those you love and want to spend time with that same time and love,
when you find yourself realizing that you should be happy because those people are happy and that you used to say that that's when you truly love someone because you're happy for their own happiness even if you can't be a part of it any longer and you realize that you yearn to be a part of it because you know how much happiness you can bring to their lives,
when you can't let go because you have faith but everything else in this world is stabbing at you to lose your grip,
when at times you feel like you don't know yourself and you become limited to that which you do in the day to day,
when you feel like there truly may have the, "mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer" inside of you known as depression,
you must write. you must find a way to get yourself through this. you have to continue to have faith in yourself. you have to and I know you will. suu suu.
when you feel like you have lost the person who makes something special move inside you everytime you see them,
when you feel like you're progressively fcuking up more relationships,
when you feel like you're not even trying to but just seem to have a knack for fcuking things up,
when you feel like the schedule of life is getting to be too hard,
when you don't feel like you have a stable home to go to,
when you don't really feel like interacting with people,
when you feel like as a result of you messing up in school and doing a post-baccalaureate program you are now wasting your time and denying those you love and want to spend time with that same time and love,
when you find yourself realizing that you should be happy because those people are happy and that you used to say that that's when you truly love someone because you're happy for their own happiness even if you can't be a part of it any longer and you realize that you yearn to be a part of it because you know how much happiness you can bring to their lives,
when you can't let go because you have faith but everything else in this world is stabbing at you to lose your grip,
when at times you feel like you don't know yourself and you become limited to that which you do in the day to day,
when you feel like there truly may have the, "mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer" inside of you known as depression,
you must write. you must find a way to get yourself through this. you have to continue to have faith in yourself. you have to and I know you will. suu suu.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
to ktan
What’s up bro,
Thanks for taking the time to write to me man, I know that it takes a lot to put yourself out there especially when one feels vulnerable. Asking for someone else’s help regardless of what anyone tells you is not weakness by any means. First and foremost let me tell you that with family you should never feel that you’re laying anything on anyone. To me family is about being there for others when they need that support, it’s a mutualistic kind of flow, and you should expect nothing less from someone if they are fortunate to be able to call themselves your friend.
Like I told you bro, you and I are in a very similar position right now and I have a good idea of how you’re feeling right now. I’m in a very similar situation with Emily. I know that she is that special person in my life and I made the mistake of treating her less than what she deserved in the past. Basically what happened was that after my relationship with Dianna I was really mentally and emotionally messed up and that left me bitter and feeling as if I couldn’t be stable enough to be a good boyfriend again, much less find love again. Anyways as a result of that much like you I didn’t treat Emily the way that she deserved to be treated. There was one specific night I remember at her old apartment where they were having a party and she hugged me, looked at me in the eyes, and said, “I love you…” and I just stood there seemingly emotionless and didn’t reciprocate those words. It was moments like that that deeply hurt her and internalizing the idea that she wasn’t good enough for me. Why would I do that if I really did feel the same way for her? Simple. Fear. Fear took control, my mind, my rationality took control and told me that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, I let it consume me and tell me that I’d be preventing her more pain by pretending that I didn’t feel the same way as opposed to speaking the truth from my heart, being a shitty boyfriend, thereby perpetuating her history with dudes treating her shitty. She gave her everything to me, 110% 24/7 and I fronted and pretended as if I didn’t love her, when in actuality I should’ve listened to what my heart was telling me the entire time. Both you and I have had to learn this lesson the hard way, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lose faith in love. As you already know, since I’ve been back from Thailand, I’ve been trying my hardest to show Emily how committed I am to us and our future together. I can’t tell you how many times that that’s been met with ungratefulness, being treated as if I don’t exist, verbal abuse, etc. I’m not gonna lie, there are times where I’ve just sat down and cried, and that’s alright because that’s human and that shows the impact and importance of Emily in my life. You know what though? All the shittiness that I’ve experienced this summer, despite how hard it’s been, even when it seems like things aren’t getting any better between us and there is no hope, I continue to have faith. I am thankful just to have her in my life, and most importantly I feel blessed to be able to feel pain. This pain that I feel isn’t from something trivial like drama with a friend over something senseless, it’s derived from love, something that some people search their entire lives for. The fact that you and I can both feel this pain from our love for these womyn in our lives is a beautiful thing, and no matter how things are between us and these womyn, we have had the privilege to feel this within ourselves and it’s up to us to decide if it’s something that we want to keep fighting for. In my case, I will fight to the ends of this world for that love, even if it means dying alone. I know that sounds dramatic as heck and we’re mad young at this point in our lives, but through many experiences in my life, I’ve come to see just how full circle life comes around. I know that life brings us questions. With that comes uncertainty, fear, internal battles we fight with ourselves and a whole plethora of other challenges. The thing is that life is a constant process of questions, and us working day by day to answer some of those questions but understand that there will always be questions. For me, I want to be the one that is there with Emily through that process of life. I know life even though there is still more to be lived. You may wonder how a person can ever know the rest of their lives but I’ll tell you this, a feeling within someone lives deeply inside them to their last days. Nothing can change that, just like my feelings for you and my faith in us. Through many of my experiences I’ve come to see the entire circle of life from a young child taking his or her first steps to a person who was once that child taking their last breaths, and everything in between. It may sound kind of odd, but I can see my life and how it is going to pan out. One second we’re in our twenties stressing about school/work etc. , the next 53 and having had partied through our twenties, and worked for thirty years in the “so and so field”, then suddenly we are on our death beds contemplating our lives and feeling closer to a higher being because we had just had a heart attack and now we want to be more religious. What did our lives mean? Did we live our lives to the fullest? What does that question even mean for us? I know that when I am at that point in my life, one of the main questions I will ask myself will be, “When you found the love of your life, did you truly commit yourself to her in your thoughts, words, and actions, or did you just give up and let the best thing that happened to you in your life pass you by just because the circumstances weren’t perfect?” As long as I know that I was committed to Emily in this life and stood by those feelings to my last days then whether or not we are one day together, when I pass I will go knowing that I gave it my everything. Like I told you, I’ve tried everything humanly possible to show her that I’m serious about how committed to being with her. All that’s been happening is me getting moded hella hard on the daily. I’ll tell you something though, as much as they front as if they don’t care what you’re doing, consistency is king. With time they’ll come to see if you keep putting in that work. If she’s dwelling in the past, remind her that the present will soon be the past, and as such if you keep putting in that work then instead of dwelling on the past when you didn’t treat her well she’ll begin to look at when you started turning things around and improving for her sake. Right now I know it’s hard but things can’t be on your terms. No matter what you say to her about your feelings, these are on your own terms and that’s not how she’s going to be able to decide for herself that she wants to be with you. As difficult as it may be for us, we have to be patient, consistent, and most of all let time heal the wounds that we have created. I take all the pain that I feel in my life and pour it into our dance.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling." –Morrie from the book Tuesdays with Morrie.
I hope that that this was of some help to you bro. If you need anything bro you can always talk to any of us, we got your back.
Much love,
Francis
Thanks for taking the time to write to me man, I know that it takes a lot to put yourself out there especially when one feels vulnerable. Asking for someone else’s help regardless of what anyone tells you is not weakness by any means. First and foremost let me tell you that with family you should never feel that you’re laying anything on anyone. To me family is about being there for others when they need that support, it’s a mutualistic kind of flow, and you should expect nothing less from someone if they are fortunate to be able to call themselves your friend.
Like I told you bro, you and I are in a very similar position right now and I have a good idea of how you’re feeling right now. I’m in a very similar situation with Emily. I know that she is that special person in my life and I made the mistake of treating her less than what she deserved in the past. Basically what happened was that after my relationship with Dianna I was really mentally and emotionally messed up and that left me bitter and feeling as if I couldn’t be stable enough to be a good boyfriend again, much less find love again. Anyways as a result of that much like you I didn’t treat Emily the way that she deserved to be treated. There was one specific night I remember at her old apartment where they were having a party and she hugged me, looked at me in the eyes, and said, “I love you…” and I just stood there seemingly emotionless and didn’t reciprocate those words. It was moments like that that deeply hurt her and internalizing the idea that she wasn’t good enough for me. Why would I do that if I really did feel the same way for her? Simple. Fear. Fear took control, my mind, my rationality took control and told me that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, I let it consume me and tell me that I’d be preventing her more pain by pretending that I didn’t feel the same way as opposed to speaking the truth from my heart, being a shitty boyfriend, thereby perpetuating her history with dudes treating her shitty. She gave her everything to me, 110% 24/7 and I fronted and pretended as if I didn’t love her, when in actuality I should’ve listened to what my heart was telling me the entire time. Both you and I have had to learn this lesson the hard way, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lose faith in love. As you already know, since I’ve been back from Thailand, I’ve been trying my hardest to show Emily how committed I am to us and our future together. I can’t tell you how many times that that’s been met with ungratefulness, being treated as if I don’t exist, verbal abuse, etc. I’m not gonna lie, there are times where I’ve just sat down and cried, and that’s alright because that’s human and that shows the impact and importance of Emily in my life. You know what though? All the shittiness that I’ve experienced this summer, despite how hard it’s been, even when it seems like things aren’t getting any better between us and there is no hope, I continue to have faith. I am thankful just to have her in my life, and most importantly I feel blessed to be able to feel pain. This pain that I feel isn’t from something trivial like drama with a friend over something senseless, it’s derived from love, something that some people search their entire lives for. The fact that you and I can both feel this pain from our love for these womyn in our lives is a beautiful thing, and no matter how things are between us and these womyn, we have had the privilege to feel this within ourselves and it’s up to us to decide if it’s something that we want to keep fighting for. In my case, I will fight to the ends of this world for that love, even if it means dying alone. I know that sounds dramatic as heck and we’re mad young at this point in our lives, but through many experiences in my life, I’ve come to see just how full circle life comes around. I know that life brings us questions. With that comes uncertainty, fear, internal battles we fight with ourselves and a whole plethora of other challenges. The thing is that life is a constant process of questions, and us working day by day to answer some of those questions but understand that there will always be questions. For me, I want to be the one that is there with Emily through that process of life. I know life even though there is still more to be lived. You may wonder how a person can ever know the rest of their lives but I’ll tell you this, a feeling within someone lives deeply inside them to their last days. Nothing can change that, just like my feelings for you and my faith in us. Through many of my experiences I’ve come to see the entire circle of life from a young child taking his or her first steps to a person who was once that child taking their last breaths, and everything in between. It may sound kind of odd, but I can see my life and how it is going to pan out. One second we’re in our twenties stressing about school/work etc. , the next 53 and having had partied through our twenties, and worked for thirty years in the “so and so field”, then suddenly we are on our death beds contemplating our lives and feeling closer to a higher being because we had just had a heart attack and now we want to be more religious. What did our lives mean? Did we live our lives to the fullest? What does that question even mean for us? I know that when I am at that point in my life, one of the main questions I will ask myself will be, “When you found the love of your life, did you truly commit yourself to her in your thoughts, words, and actions, or did you just give up and let the best thing that happened to you in your life pass you by just because the circumstances weren’t perfect?” As long as I know that I was committed to Emily in this life and stood by those feelings to my last days then whether or not we are one day together, when I pass I will go knowing that I gave it my everything. Like I told you, I’ve tried everything humanly possible to show her that I’m serious about how committed to being with her. All that’s been happening is me getting moded hella hard on the daily. I’ll tell you something though, as much as they front as if they don’t care what you’re doing, consistency is king. With time they’ll come to see if you keep putting in that work. If she’s dwelling in the past, remind her that the present will soon be the past, and as such if you keep putting in that work then instead of dwelling on the past when you didn’t treat her well she’ll begin to look at when you started turning things around and improving for her sake. Right now I know it’s hard but things can’t be on your terms. No matter what you say to her about your feelings, these are on your own terms and that’s not how she’s going to be able to decide for herself that she wants to be with you. As difficult as it may be for us, we have to be patient, consistent, and most of all let time heal the wounds that we have created. I take all the pain that I feel in my life and pour it into our dance.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling." –Morrie from the book Tuesdays with Morrie.
I hope that that this was of some help to you bro. If you need anything bro you can always talk to any of us, we got your back.
Much love,
Francis
wish
I always wish that our surface conversations could end with you asking me to come and hold you close into the night.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
I know.
I never thought that I’d find myself in a self help article on a website looking up ways to get your lost loved one back,
Find myself on a self help website with an article titled “the 10 biggest mistakes people make when trying to get back an ex”
Suddenly I strangely felt that I shared a connection with the people scrolling down this page searching for something, looking for the right answers. We'd all made a fatal mistake. As much as I’d like to say that I’m different, I’ve now become one of them. One of the people who made the wrong decision, whether they knew it or not, that decision has been made. My mind is racing. I ask her how her paper is going right after I visit her at 4 am in the morning at her summer sublet spot. She says briefly, “ok” and immediately puts on her headphones seemingly in an effort to phase me out. She types on her keyboard distracted on facebook while working on her paper talking on facebook chat and I feel like I have no say in what she does. I sit here while she’s distracted with facebook chat probably talking to the new dude in her life and I’m powerless. I am pushing against the inflicted five months of pain and angst turned to hostility and ultimately falling out of love with me that I have created. I have built my own prison from the inside and dissolved the key with my own consciousness. I have willingly melted away at the faint idea of hope, thinking that this would save her pain until I was sure that I would be able to be a good boyfriend. And look what’s happened, look what’s become of us. She’s moving on and I’m left here to feel the byproduct of my own words and actions towards her in the past. I know that I must keep the mentality of a bboy, I see nothing. When it seems like all is lost I have to believe. I have to know that love is there. I have to believe that I will be the one to show her what love is. I have to be patient. I have to give things time. I have accepted the challenges ahead of me but I am more than willing to undergo whatever tests the future may hold. I am not clutching onto ideas or a past of what someone once was but rather knowing who she is inside and what she truly deserves. I know I can provide her that, it’s just a matter of time and showing her my willingness and consistency. Just like having a consistent style instead of a sporadic one that sometimes doesn’t look pretty, I have to pound for pound be the George Saint Pierre of this commitment to our future. I don’t give a shit how corny that sounds to anyone, that just popped in my head and I’m running with it. I accept the fact that I am weak but I’m ready to fight back to the top for what I believe in. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is possible. I just have to have faith. Faith.
Find myself on a self help website with an article titled “the 10 biggest mistakes people make when trying to get back an ex”
Suddenly I strangely felt that I shared a connection with the people scrolling down this page searching for something, looking for the right answers. We'd all made a fatal mistake. As much as I’d like to say that I’m different, I’ve now become one of them. One of the people who made the wrong decision, whether they knew it or not, that decision has been made. My mind is racing. I ask her how her paper is going right after I visit her at 4 am in the morning at her summer sublet spot. She says briefly, “ok” and immediately puts on her headphones seemingly in an effort to phase me out. She types on her keyboard distracted on facebook while working on her paper talking on facebook chat and I feel like I have no say in what she does. I sit here while she’s distracted with facebook chat probably talking to the new dude in her life and I’m powerless. I am pushing against the inflicted five months of pain and angst turned to hostility and ultimately falling out of love with me that I have created. I have built my own prison from the inside and dissolved the key with my own consciousness. I have willingly melted away at the faint idea of hope, thinking that this would save her pain until I was sure that I would be able to be a good boyfriend. And look what’s happened, look what’s become of us. She’s moving on and I’m left here to feel the byproduct of my own words and actions towards her in the past. I know that I must keep the mentality of a bboy, I see nothing. When it seems like all is lost I have to believe. I have to know that love is there. I have to believe that I will be the one to show her what love is. I have to be patient. I have to give things time. I have accepted the challenges ahead of me but I am more than willing to undergo whatever tests the future may hold. I am not clutching onto ideas or a past of what someone once was but rather knowing who she is inside and what she truly deserves. I know I can provide her that, it’s just a matter of time and showing her my willingness and consistency. Just like having a consistent style instead of a sporadic one that sometimes doesn’t look pretty, I have to pound for pound be the George Saint Pierre of this commitment to our future. I don’t give a shit how corny that sounds to anyone, that just popped in my head and I’m running with it. I accept the fact that I am weak but I’m ready to fight back to the top for what I believe in. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is possible. I just have to have faith. Faith.
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